Dear M., 23/04/2026
I hope everything turned out the way you planned!
It’s been a while since we haven’t talked to each other, but the other days I was thinking about you…
I wake up almost every morning with my mind already working before my body, feeling somehow in your skin. You are always busy, concerned about something or somebody…somebody else but you…and I have decided to put my thoughts on paper, still on paper, because I can put my hands on it, I can feel it, touch it, smell it and most of all I can hear the pen sliding on it. Now, I can tell you that handwriting becomes old fashioned and, oh, dear! it’s 20 years since I graduated and started working and somehow I’m already too old for the new technology:)
Yesterday, I found a picture of you; you were 16 years old. I will sent it to you to have a sincere check, to explain, if you can still recall what you were thinking about when they captured the photo, what were your emotions, because for me it is such a valuable photo!
You have inside your look your past, your ancestors’ history, your mother’s suffering, and most of all your strength, your commitment to a well established future.
I see a young, determined woman: beautiful, sharp, smart, with clenched teeth and probably thinking: “I am going to change the world and nobody is going to stop me! I am gonna prove everyone that I can make it!” And, yes, that was the moment when you decided to hide your heart, to prove that you are strong and stronger than others, of having a bigger value, to be worthy in your mother’s eyes, probably…
Oh, M!,I wish we had more time to talk about your memories, your feelings, without a veil, without these roles of mother and daughter, without you trying to keep me safe from anything that you assumed it can hurt me.
Oh, M! You always wanted to look perfect; in control of everything, as nothing nor nobody could touch you…oh, M, such a heavy mask to wear, and, many of us wear such a mask, forgetting that it can leave deep scars..
But let’s not put the blame on anybody! I am sure you did your best. You were my goddess when I was a child; you always had a halo that charmed me and pushed me to be just like you.
Oh, but I was far away from strong personality, I lacked your iron confidence. I used to think about me or my deeds as meaningless…why would a leaf want to live, when the tree is full of leaves? what is the value of another leaf, besides billions of them?…somehow, what I do, it has already been done, what I experience, it has already been experienced; somehow, I don’t know what’s the point of all these things, since they have already been lived! Do I worth anything?! So many questions, and only now I have the courage to ask you… to ask myself!
Still, coming back to the tree – leaf thing. Do you know? There are trees that hold leaves on their trunk, as if the other leaves don’t let them live aside and then the tree decides to grow the new ones on different spots… by the way, I will send you a picture, to image the life of a leaf.
I won’t keep you longer, I know you are busy, so…talk soon!
Yours,
E!
inkonpaper 